This letter was written to myself at 2 in the morning laying in bed in a wave of racing thoughts and a day of dealing with moment upon moment of social anxiety. It’s had minimal edits.
Do you know what it feels like to face all the shitty sides of yourself?
Well I should rephrase this. Do you know what it feels like to face all the sides of yourself that make you feel shameful, guilty, bad, messy, etc…?
It makes me feel more shame. More unorganized.
Vulnerability, authenticity and self love are buzzwords. The idea that we aren’t supposed to be placed into a box and be our true selves is now being placed into a box within this self-growth subculture.
I have thoughts like “is my vulnerability going to be cool enough? Real enough? Honest enough?”
I get vulnerable about being vulnerable.
I envision my vulnerability looking a certain way.
I envision my future carving of paths to look a certain way.
Full of self love.
But guess what Kristina!
It’s going to be messy as fuck.
You’re going to fail.
You’re going to not follow this path.
You’re going to not be vulnerable in moments, even when you’re trying.
You’re going to do things wrong.
It’s inevitable because well, you’re human.
You’re going to have a certain idea and hear from the media to “STAND STRONG AND BE A PROUD WOMAN” but when you stand so strong in a belief or idea you start to question it because you question everything and when you start to shy away you’re going to hear the world (or is that just your inner voice?) say things like “LOOK AT YOU BEING A SHY LITTLE GIRL. Actually believe in what you believe in! Stand up for what you know!“
But….you don’t always know.
You’ll never always know.
No human will ever always know.
Literally no one is all-knowing.
You’re a soft little vulnerable bunny with no backbone at times.
This little voice, right here, it’s not going away.
The negative self talk has got to go, yes, but the constant questioning of all things around you… that’s what makes you grow, learn and mold into the highest version of yourself!
You’re going to do things you love as you jump into the fire of the world.
You’re going to fail and also hate some of these things.
You’re not going to jump in far enough sometimes, because maybe you’re scared.
You’re going to jump in maybe a little too far sometimes… and you’ll be ridiculously over excited, amped, and unreasonable. (I like this passionate side of you.)
You’re going to feel scattered.
You’re going to feel like you don’t know what the fuck is going on sometimes.
BUT GUESS WHAT.
It’s okay! Without allllllll offff this, you wouldn’t have jack shit.
All of this craziness is going to happen.
In the past, I can see where some of this has already happened.
Looking back, there are some moments that I flinch away from in my life.
I’ve made some mistakes, and I will gladly own all the sides of them, here’s a few to scratch the surface:
I’ve made some small mistakes:
– Texting a guy I’ve recently began talking to, too many times and showing him my insecurity before I knew him. *Not playing the game… P.S. Fuck ‘the game’ of dating nowadays. More on this later.*
– Laying in bed drowning in my own self loathing for days at a time eating gummy worms.
I’ve made some big mistakes:
– Getting fired from a job I loved with all of my heart for smoking weed.
– Getting black out drunk a number of times throughout the years and making a complete fool of myself, ruining some meaningful relationships in the process.
My past could be worse, it could be better. I’ve been so far out of alignment with myself in the past I can’t even begin to explain. As I come back into alignment with who I am, I can see more and more exactly where those moments of misalignment were in the past. Because I know exactly how it feels to step out of alignment with myself, I’m able to step back into alignment more and more everyday into the future.
I see where I should have loved more, worked harder, been gentler, stood up for myself, stood up for others, chilled the fuck out, texted more, texted less, talked more, partied less, followed less, talked less, there are literally so many ways I could have been BETTER.
But damn, isn’t that exhausting…evaluating every moment of our past?
Take a deep breath.
The moments of total doubt and shame from your past will randomly enter you.
Don’t fight it.
Let it happen and pass.
Those moments don’t define you, Kristina. But:
If you do fight it (which you probably will knowing you), it’s okay.
But then learn!
Make a fucking chart.
Make some art.
Think about it.
For future endeavors so you don’t make the same mistake twice.
And then – stop thinking about it.
Do what you can and then stop ruminating.
I get pointful* worry.
It gets us places when productive.
I’m not over here all like “nah man it’s all good peace & love brotha save the world”
I mean those are my favorite types of people but I’m not naturally that relaxed.
Worry is good – to a slight degree.
Golden mean Kristina.
Right in the middle.
Reflect, grow, make a chart, organize it, and then let it rolllll off your back. Drink a beer. Go in the ocean. Climb a mountain. Laugh with your friends. Take photos. Do whatever you wanna do to live a happy, laughter filled, positive life. Worry for only a moment long enough to get the point across in your brain – “ok now I know I was really in my head and didn’t listen to the other person and I’m gonna pay attention to how many people I interrupt today.”
Write it down by all means.
And think about it! But then, leave the rest of the negative bullshit for somewhere else in this world.
Because yes, I get it, following or preceding this talk is “Jesus Christ Kristina you talk so fucking much you can’t listen to anyone you’re so self focused why can’t you value what others have to say I know you do value them but you’re so insecure that you want them to like you so you say these things and end up interrupting them to try to be cool and it’s so not cool and you just need to chill out dude. Like I’m super resentful towards you when you act like this and you can’t just chill out” and then I begin to analyze every single conversation with that person and the things I said and the things they said and what they think of me and what the collective world thinks of me and then I get pissed that I’m even thinking about this and begin thinking about why-the-fuck can’t I be a person who is naturally not a shitty person thinking about such vain topics!
AND THEN I REALIZE WHAT’S HAPPENING AND I STOP
I’m just a human.
I’m not a shitty person.
I’m a really(!) loving, happy, positive filled person who holds a lot of value in this world.
I truly care about my family and friends.
I create awesome things.
I LOVE & empathize with all humans.
I don’t judge others.
My heart is pure gold.
I’m just simply yearning for connection.
Like every other human on this big earth!
These thoughts happen, regularly…but I have the power to control them and redirect them.
I don’t need to get zen’d out all day long (although meditation does strengthen the ease of switching negative thought patterns) but I do think about what I’m thinking about and redirecting to a proactive technique of self realization is useful and then the ruminating stops and I enjoy the moment I’m in.
And I’m a heck of a lot more useful to this world at this point.
There are two sides to this thought in the world, and I am in the middle:
1. Work hard and feel shameful if you didn’t work hard enough, lions eat sheep. Blah blah blah.
2. It’s okay if you didn’t achieve your goals, dude. You’ve got tomorrow. Take a break and let’s not shame ourselves for it. It’s no big deal.
I’m aiming to be somewhere in the middle.
Work hard, but don’t hate yourself if you don’t achieve your exact goal.
Reflect upon yourself and find true self awareness…work at making those changes to be a better you all the while loving every aspect about yourself.
Send compassion to all of those shitty sides of yourself.
You were doing the best you could with the tools and knowledge you had.
Above all, Kristina, I want you to realize that no matter what decision you decide to make, no matter what words you decide to use in a conversation, no matter what thought you dwell upon, YOUR HEART IS GOLD.
Despite everything, when you wake up in the morning and when you go to bed at night, you are worthy of love and connection and nothing defines your self worth except the pureness of your own heart.
Haters gonna hate. You’re gonna love them and yourself with the pureness of your own heart.
*I understand pointful isn’t a word but this is my letter and my blog so it’s officially a word.*